The struggle is real // the quest for milk

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ironic mugshot

8 AM - lactation tea, lactation plus pills, lactation cookie, oatmeal for breakfast
11 AM - More tea, another cookie, brewers yeast shake (barf)
1 PM - lunch, lactation plus pills, another tea, another cookie
4 PM - more tea
6 PM-dinner, lactation cookie, pineapple juice.
9 PM - Last tea, last set of lactation plus pills
3 AM - Lactation plus pills 
8 AM- REPEAT

I was looking back on blog posts that I had posted with my daughter recently, and noticed a trend. I have always wanted to breastfeed. I never had a birth plan, I never felt super strong about anything besides having healthy babies when it came to being pregnant or giving birth. The one thing I wanted was to breastfeed my kid for at least a year. 

My Daughter and I ran into issues with milk production the first week we brought her home. she was badly dehydrated and little to my knowledge, she was not getting much milk from me. I went to lactation consultants who all assured me that she was latching great, and I needed to supplement to make sure she was getting enough. Enter the nipple shield-syringe-tube trifecta. We fed like this for almost four and a half months. Four and a half months of hoping the suckling from my daughter thru all this artificial feeding would help my supply. Four and a half months of not being able to cuddle my baby after she fed because I had to pump whatever was left of my milk to fill the syringe for her next feeding. It was pure torture. Four months of torture- hoping that my supply would go up, to never get more than two ounces combined. When I decided to stop this madness, and give her only formula, I was content knowing I tried everything I could to give her what my body was meant to produce...but it just wasn't.

Present time, Three years later with the birth of Gavin, I told myself if I ran into the same issues, I would not do that again. My son was doing good in the hospital- eating like a champ. I was relieved that he was not losing weight like my daughter did, and I was hopeful my supply was up. In the hospital- I should mention, I was eating the cookies, drinking the tea, and drinking pineapple juice (apparently that helps too). Then my son started to get a little lazy, not latching right, causing me severe nipple pain, and just like his sister, he started to lose weight. The lactation consultant suggested again, the trifecta that I loathed so much. I instantly said no- I will bottle feed and exclusively pump and supplement his bottles with formula. This is when I noticed the same trend starting to repeat itself. I am not destined to pass the 2 oz mark. 

So with cracked nipples, and tears in my eyes- I continue to turn on my pump. As I pump, I contemplate how much longer I can do this for. Do I continue to stay hopeful that I will finally get past the 2oz mark? Or do I stop. I curl my feet in pain and think about ways to destroy my pump. There is a piece of me that keeps saying keep going and another piece (a very large piece...like a piece with knowledge of what four and half months of trying feels like) that tells me it's not going to get better and I'm doing all of this for the same result....less than 2 oz. 

So for now...I'm conflicted. I'll continue to loathe my pump, and continue to feel my heart break a little as we keep getting less than 2 oz. 




Gavin Daniel // A Birth Story

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I could just tell you that Gavin's birth was a scheduled c-section, we went in, they took him out, and we had our boy...but...there's a little more that happened to get there...

the morning of Sept. 5th

September 5th, I woke up at 2am and 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. Not because I was having contractions, but because I was excited to meet this little man that had been taking up so much room in my abdomen and super excited to not be pregnant anymore. 

Due to the birth of Gavin's sister Taylor, we got to schedule Gavin's birthday. Now, this might seem like an easy feat, but for us, it was a little bit of a stressful decision. Gavins due date was on his sister's birthday- the 7th of September. I could just hear them when they got older if I had chosen to have their birthdays on the same day, "MOOOMMMMM!"

The earliest day I could schedule was the 31st of August. August is a super busy birthday month in my family, so I vetoed that. My OBGYN informed me that I could not have this baby on the 1st-3rd because she would be in Vegas attending the Bruno Mars concert. Priorities... I know. I was actually kinda jealous. So the next day we would be able to schedule was the 4th, however- this is my wedding anniversary- soooo you see- the 5th was really the earliest day I could logically schedule. Although- if he came early, I just wanted him to be born in September.

Although I clearly had this date picked out, the week prior I tried to induce labor. I didn't care about dates- We had made it to September and I. was. miserable...but this little boy didn't care. Starting on Sept 1st, I went swimming, danced in the pool, did squats, drank beer, went for walks and tried to get him to come out. I didn't care that my OB was gone... I was done being pregnant. However...this little boy was happy as clam all snuggled inside me. So September 4th, I gave up. Less than 24 hours and he would be here. Patience is one of my downfalls. That night, since it was our anniversary, My husband took me to an amazing steak dinner with lobster mash that I keep dreaming about. It was honestly one of the best meals I've ever had- I think it was because I knew I was going to get a liquid diet for the next couple of days. We took our last picture as a family of three, and we went to bed. I snuggled my little girl extra hard that night. 

Last photo as a family of three


Waiting for the drug doc

Back to the morning of the 5th...I woke up, took my last nice shower, and was ready to leave by 4:50, even though we planned on leaving at 5:15. We got to the hospital, they checked me in, I got an IV, I waited for about an hour, and then I walked myself to the OR, hopped on the table, and the Anesthesiologist gave me my spinal tap, and we talked about Game of Thrones with everyone in the operating room. My husband came in and they cut me open. I heard my doctor say "man this baby is ready to come out!" and then she pulled out the baby boy that was so active in my belly. My doctor pulled down the curtain, and said "be happy you had a c-section- he's a big boy!" the second she held him up, he started crying. Hearing him cry so fast was such an amazing and relieving sound. Taylor didn't cry for so long, his cry instantly put me at ease...and then he peed all over the table. A great start to his first day of life. We all giggled and continued with cleaning him up. I watched my husband cut the umbilical cord, and they wrapped him up and placed him next to my face. I kissed his sweet squishy face, and I will never forget the first smell and feel of a brand new baby, knowing that he was mine, we made him, and he was 100% worth the wait. 


After I was all stitched up, they wheeled me into the recovery room where he was getting cleaned up. He was suckling on a nurses finger to keep him busy. Little man was already so hungry. While the nurses were cleaning me up, I started to hemorrhage. the look on my husbands face was making me worried. Apparently, due to the size of Gavin, he had stretched my uterus so thin, this causes some excess bleeding.  I was also informed by my doctor that even though I had a Tubal Ligation, due to how thin my uterus was stretched, she would have recommended that we do not have anymore kids. After many medications and a little worry, I was finally wheeled into our room and was able to snuggle with my handsome little chub. 9lbs, 7 oz of pure squish. 


It's true what they say...you never know the extent of the amount of love your heart can hold. I found myself completely in awe of this little boy, how much he reminded me of the first days with his sister, and how much his little sister loved him. Seeing Daddy hold his little boy and little girl completely makes my world stop. 









and now, off to continue this adventure of motherhood as a mom of two.
Thanks for reading...

xoxo
B













Dainty and gold with Rocksbox

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Happy Monday, friends! 
I am usually a person who wears only a few pieces of jewelry. I like simple pieces, and I hardly wear earrings. Rocksbox is a monthly subscription box. They personalize a jewelry set for you each month with three pieces of jewelry with your style in mind. 

HOW IT WORKS
  • Create an account and create a style profile. This will help the stylists choose pieces that are more tailored to your style.
  • Browse and make a wish list. Super important- you will definitely get pieces from this wishlist in your sets!
  • Right before they ship out your box, they send out an email allowing you to exchange one item in your box for something else! I really love this because you get the chance to see what is coming, and you can get rid of a piece that you may not love so much!
  • Once your set comes in, you can wear and test out your set as much as you like, keep the pieces you love, return the ones you don't! you don't have to keep any of it, or you can keep all of it!

 HOW MUCH IS IT?

It's only $21 a month!
the best part- that $21 goes towards any piece you decide to keep!
you can also get more that one box a month- for no additional charge! all you do is return all of the jewelry pieces that you didn’t want to purchase and then your next box will be on its way! You are not limited on how many refreshes you get each month either, that is totally up to you!

GET YOUR FIRST BOX FREE

Use code breeklipfelxoxo to get your first month free!


REVIEWS



Sophie Harper: Cindy layering Necklace

I LOVE this necklace. The dual chain and simple pave pendants are the perfect layering look. 




These earrings made me feel girly. I loved that they were black and white. If you know me, neutral color tones make me soooo happy. 




I usually cannot stand studs. There's something about them that makes me feel childish. I added these to my wishlist just to try, and I have to say- I didn't mind them. I loved the shape, and the modern edges. 


If you have any questions about rocksbox, let me know! 
Dont forget if you want to try out Rockbox, use code breeklipfelxoxo to get your first month free!


xoxo
B.