I will be...

I usually don’t share this kind of personal info on my blog, and I figured now is a good time since I have so much to share at this point in my life, and I know that so many of you are wondering if I’m okay…I’ll start by telling you my story…

Day 1

girl finds out she’s pregnant- tries to hide her excitement from husband. 
Notes in calendar “best day ever”

Day 2

surprises husband with a sesame seed in his hand…the size of his baby.

Day 3

 due to out of state in laws happening to be in town, girl and boy tell parents. Parents are so excited.

Day 4

girl makes first baby appointment…planning commences. Nursery design starts…online searching begins, baby names, cribs, clothes, and everything else baby.

Day 18

Family reunion time. Girl tells siblings and the rest of her family. Boy and girl start to tell close friends.

Day 30

First ob/gyn appointment. Find out baby is barely five weeks and can’t see baby, or might be blighted ovum or molar pregnancy. Boy and girl in shock, but not giving up hope.

Day 31

girl devastated- day goes as follows…cry..sleep…cry…sleep…cry..sleep…cry. Husband tells her everything is fine. There is still a chance of baby being okay.  

Day 32 through 34

girl spends time with husband, brother, niece and nephew, keeps her mind off baby.

Day 35-45

girl starts to numb. Neither excited nor sad anymore, but nervous for next appointment. Boy tells girl that everything will be okay. No matter what happens, we’ll have each other, and that’s enough. Friends and family are supportive and girl feels loved and blessed to have them in their lives.

Day 46

doctor tells girl and boy there little to no chance of a baby. Must wait to miscarry. Girl and boy devastated. Day 31 repeats- without the hopeful part.         

Day 47

cry…work…cry…work…cry..wait…

Day 48

more crying more waiting…still waiting for the worst day ever.

That’s it- The story of my 46 day pregnancy.

I thought I was prepared, since the last appointment I knew there was a chance of this happening, but I was not. What made it worse, was knowing that I had to tell everyone the news. I opted for texting since I couldn’t bear the thought of talking to everyone about it. To add salt to the wound my phone sending me email alerts from various baby boards telling me that I was so many weeks along and that my baby was the size of grape. CONGRATULATIONS!  …delete….Then the inflow of love and support through text message only made my heart ache more. Messages of what a great mom I will be, that this kind of thing is common, and completely normal. No matter how many times I heard or read, “things happen for a reason,” “it wasn’t your time,” “god has a plan,” or “you’ll get pregnant again right away,” it doesn’t get any easier. I never, in a million years, thought it would be this hard. It’s hard to talk about, hard to think about, hard to not think about it.

In time the sting will go away, we’ll try again, and things will go back to normal, but I can’t help but be a little more than sad.  We’ll always be a little afraid of going to the doctor to see our baby. We’ll never get back the first excitement on our parent’s faces and friends faces when we told them we were pregnant. The few little baby gifts that we received from friends who knew, now are in the top shelf of the closet out of sight. I can’t even look at the guest room the same anymore.

                Both of us feel like we were given this amazing gift, a gift that we both wanted so badly, and now it’s gone. No one took it away from us, no one did it to us. It’s just gone; gone with no one or nowhere to direct our anger and sadness. We are left to grieve a baby that never started growing. It’s hard watching my husband feel helpless as he holds me and I cry, knowing he wants to fix my broken world for me, but he can’t.  It’s hard to watch both of us trying to hold it together for each other. It’s hard to watch myself lose the excitement and happiness that I had 48 days ago. It’s hard to tell people, “It’s okay” when they say that they are sorry- because it’s not okay. I’m not okay. To tell you the truth, I am completely and utterly devastated.  I have never experienced this kind of heartbreak. There is really no other way to describe it. I feel broken.

I’m hoping that sharing our story will help people understand that I appreciate the concern, and to answer your questions….no, I’m not okay, but I know I will be. For now, waves of tears and sadness are what I know….I also know eventually, in time, I will smile again, laugh again and be back to myself.  I just need time.

Xoxo

I love you all, from the bottom of my broken heart.

B.

To my amazing husband, I'm so thankful that God sent you to me. I dont know what I would do with you. Thank you for being my stregnth and my legs while we walk through this terrible road together.You never cease to amaze me how you know exactly what I need in times like this. 

You truely are my Rock.

We will get through this together.

I love you more than you know.